I wish everything about me were different. Everyday it's like I'm leading a life that I'm absolutely faking. I force a smile on my face in front of family, friends or people that I come in to contact with. The truth is, I'm hurting deeply inside. I've suffered from depression for quite some time now, but refuse to go see a doctor. To be quite honest, I'd be so embarassed to actually tell the doctor (or anyone for that matter) how I really feel. I know everyone encounters their fair share of problems in their life, and people may probably think what I'm about to say is trivial, but before you judge consider that everyone experiences things differently. What may not seem like a problem to you, may be for someone else. In any event, my depression stems from a myriad of things. To begin, my parents divorce really had an effect on me. I remember growing up and wishing all the time that I had a normal family, with my mom and dad together, smiling, laughing, taking vacations together. Instead, it was constant bullshit of arguing, financial problems, and the inevitable loss of our home. My father was a fuck up, who literally made us lose our house, and now even in my 20s, I have some resentment towards him. It's because of him I never had the opportunity of knowing what it was like to have a united family. My highschool years weren't that great either. I knew many people and made friends quite easily (I was the funny fat guy), but never experienced anything that a typical teen is supposed too. I had always been shy with women I were interested in, and never really took chances for the fear that I'd be rejected, despite being a funny and "nice guy." Unfortunately, this pattern for me hasn't ended. I am now in my 20's and still have never had a first date, a first kiss, or a girlfriend. I wish I had a better self-esteem and more self-confidence, but I'm so fucking insecure. I have no self-love, thereby making it next to impossible for me to let love in. My progress in my fitness level hasn't even made a difference, because I still see the person I was and believe that no matter what, I'll never be enough for any girl. I know in my heart that I want to find genuine love. I just hope someday I can get over this fear to know what it feels like to love, and be loved back.