I feel like the only reason I exist is to be the opposite of my brother. He's funny, charming, weird in a good way, can act, sing, dance, play piano, draw, write, make friends easily, and is everything I'll never be. I don't have any real talents, am hard to like, and don't like getting close to people. He used to be so horrible to me, but everyone says he's such a nice person. He's probably changed, but I don't want to notice because then I'll feel bad for hating him. All I ever hear about is how talented and amazing he is at all the things I wish I could do. The only compliment I ever get is that I'm "Pretty good" at writing. I don't think anyone's ever called me amazing. The only reason I keep auditioning for the drama shows is because, even though I know I'll never get anything above a chorus role, I really want to be around the drama people. They're such wonderful, fantastic, talented, awesome people, and I really wish I could be one of them, but none of them really see me as a friend. They aren't mean to me or anything, they just see me as a friendly acquaintance. I wish I was talented enough to really be one of them, but even when I tried my absolute best, all I could get was the chorus. I wasn't even considered for a role. All my life, all I've wanted to do is become an actress and live in England, and the older I get, the more I realize I'm never going to do either of those things. I don't have the talent, and I don't have any sort of desirable skill that would get me a job in England. And that made me realize that I've been spending all my time imagining a future that will never happen, and there isn't anything else I want to do. I feel like my life is hopeless and pointless. I pretend to be arrogant so that no one will realize how much I hate myself. I don't know why, but I really don't want anyone to realize how insecure I am. My Drama teacher's realized it, because he's just sort of a genius, and I really wish he hadn't, because I want him to like me. He's the most amazing teacher I've ever had, but I'm also a little terrified of him and what he thinks of me. He's just about the only person who notices me, and that always scares me a little. I feel like if I died, it wouldn't take long for people outside of my family to forget me. I would never attempt it, because of what it might do to my family, and (ridiculously) because of what my drama teacher would think. (Stupid, I know, but I respect him enormously and really care about what he thinks about me.) But I've started thinking about it a lot. My brother knows some of how I feel, and swears he can understand me perfectly, which annoys me. He can never understand what it feels like to be talentless and alone. And he doesn't know what it's like for me to have him being good at everything I've ever wanted to be good at. In drama club, we have four elite groups- one for directing, one for musical theatre, one for acting, and one for writing, and somehow, somehow, I made it into the writing one. I know this should make me feel better, but for some reason It doesn't. I'm stupid, I know. I just feel confused, worried, disbelieving, and scared that I won't be able to do whatever I did to get in again. My brother made it into all the groups but one. He didn't try out for writing. He didn't try out for it, and it's the only one he didn't get in. People have called his writing "Beast," and "amazing." The only person who ever complemented mine is my parents, and they called it "pretty good." I'm certain if he had tried out, he would have gotten in, and I wouldn't have. All I've ever wanted (besides the actress thing, which isn't going to happen) is to be better at him at something, anything, and I guess I'll never know if I am. I don't think I should have been born, and I wish I wasn't.