To whoever's out there reading this, I must confess that I am a terrible person. Except, I don't feel very guilty about it. I might be a sociopath. I don't know. It's a pain to be not guilty. Honestly, I don't know if I actually have problems or I'm actually this bad. I have no idea what or who I am. I'm conceited and selfish. And I don't give a fuck about things that actually matter. I only care about things that don't mean shit. Ever since I got into an ivy league school (God knows how i got in) I've been arrogant and lazy. I disrespect my father on a daily basis, even though he's the best dad anyone could ask for. He pointed it out tonight: I totally disregard him all the time, my attitude towards him is horrible. I only become polite and attentive when I need money or a favor from him. I kinda just sat there numb tonight as he told me how heartless, materialistic, and disappointing I am. I couldn't deny anything. I dunno. I kinda wanna die now. If I'm gonna be this way for the rest of my life, then I surely won't be able to make my dreams come true. Right now, I want to be a doctor. I wanna help people. I hate seeing people sad and sick. But seeing how selfish, two-faced, and unmotivated I am I don't that will ever happen. I'll drive away everyone that comes near me with this nasty attitude. I'll disappoint my parents with everything I do. And I'm totally unconfident and rely on other opinions to make myself feel good. I get a lot of compliments and I kind of live off of them. I'm not sure how I'd do without people telling me how great I am. I dislike people who don't give me attention. Oh my god I sound so stupid. I've never voiced this thought out loud. And there's this weird thing where I rely on others for confidence, but I also totally disregard them, as if they're not as good as me or something. But in reality, no one's better than anyone. I think I might be psychologically ill. Nothing too serious, just somewhat bit imbalanced. I'm kind of scared of people who are "better" than me. Smarter, better-looking, funnier, wittier people. I'm afraid to speak in front of them, especially the wittier people. My mom has a pretty serious illness and I don't care about her nearly as much as I should. I can't relate to that much pain so I kind of just ignore it. Even if I do show I care about her pain, it's kind of feigned. I can't control my emotions very well. I think my beliefs sway and change depending on my mood. I can't stay calm and I cry a lot. I get angry easily. I get extremely happy sometimes then I get really tired and kind of pass out. I might have chronic fatigue. But that's probably because I don't sleep. The way I speak is quite condescending. Why do I have friends? I don't know if I have friends. Most of the people I'm supposedly close to give me a lot of attention and compliments. And I give attention to and compliment them a lot, but perhaps just to receive attention. Oh my god, what if that's the only reason why I'm friends with them, to receive attention, not even because I genuinely care about them? How terrible. When they're sad and come to me for advice I'm very attentive. But I don't know if it's only because they're relying on me and I'm feeling important, or if I actually care? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. I can't tell if I care and am actually not too bad in this department or I'm a total selfish arse. I treat my teachers like shit. I talk to them condescendingly and backtalk them. They... put up with it? I don't know why. I'm only nice to them to their face. I shit talk teachers I don't like behind their backs. A lot. I'm realllyyy nice when i need a favour. I don't even go to class on time in the morning. OH MY GOD I'M SO TERRIBLE. I'm terrified of being judged by people. I get really embarrassed when people don't laugh at my jokes or point out the loopholes in the things I say. And things like that. That's why I don't speak very much in front of some people. That's why I don't post very much on Facebook, because I'm afraid of being judged by strangers. But really, strangers don't even matter. I tell people "LOL I don't' give a fuck about Facebook", but really, I'm just scared of being judged. I'm lazy. My dad has to push me to do stuff so I don't just lay on the couch reading or watching some tv show. Senioritis is sUCH a bitch. I never wrote a single lie on my college resume, but a lot of my extracurriculars weren't entirely my passion; I pursued them partly because I needed an impressive resume. Now that I'm accepted, i feel like i don't need this "passion", I just gave up. I just feel so hopeless so much of the time. I know the only who could help is myself, but I'm too weak. I called child helplines. They were either entirely unhelpful or wow, once, this lady even judged me because I spoke like an arrogant ass. I still think about this guy i had a thing with a while back. kind of embarro how i still think about him, because nothing really happened. I wonder if he's figured out all this^. Hahaha, last time we spoke he had a very high opinion of me. JOKES Everyone has a pretty high opinion of me, really. Except for my dad and myself. Maybe I've been so terrible lately that no one really thinks well of me anymore. I don't think so, because people still tell me how smart I am or some shit like that. About time someone kicked me off my high horse. Seriously. Hm one of my teachers doesn't like me very much because I'm late to her class all the time and I never turn in assignments. I have trouble maintaining relationships with people, because I get socially tired easily. Sometimes I just don't know how to speak to people anymore because I can't think of anything interesting to say. Then people just get really bored of me. i don't know why I can't think of good things to say. I DON'T KNOW. I don't spend very much of time on useful or fun activities. I just sit there and think about useless things or nap. SAD. I have slight OCD when it comes to writing. My sentences and diction have to perfect before I move on to the next sentence. It takes me weeks to write up a good essay. I'm self-conscious about the way I look. I'm not ugly. Some has even come as far as to call me attractive. i beg to differ. I NEED to put on makeup everyday, or i just feel really naked and ugly. I usually don't do too much makeup, but everything needs to perfect, however simple, so I always take forever. And my outfits. They MUST be coordinated and balanced or else I just walk out the door feeling disgusting. People who make prolonged eye contact freak me out. I treat my dad so bad, but he still loves me. He still does everything I want for me. He still helps me even if I don't ask for it. He's only cried maybe 4 times in his life, once being when he was born, another when his gramma died. His gramma is one of his favourite people in the world. But, he cried for me once. A few months ago. It was when i began calling quits on living a fun, active life. I also began to act completely apathetic towards him. He looked so sad and feeble and vulnerable. WHile he cried, he asked me "Why do you choose to be unhappy?". He was crying because I was so unhappy and refused to do anything about it. My dad. who almost never cries. He just sat there, looking so small, almost hugging himself. I panicked and began, because i felt so so so bad. LIke the worst person on the planet (I 'm pretty sure I was, at that moment). I kissed and hugged him. I promised him I'd try harder and do better. When he stopped crying, he looked at me and smiled and said "i love you, little girl" but I BROKE that fucking promise. I did even worse in school. I treated him even worse. That's why he told me all of that tonight. Because it's all true. He was so disappointed. He said he'd rather have me go to some shitty school than have me become this way. He's been disappointed and broken by me many times over. He's bitter, but he'd still do anything for me if I ask. Because he loves me. The world is so unfair and crazy like this. I don't know why, but I can't even feel guilty this time. Or maybe it's just so much guilt that I'm shutting it all out. I am so terrible. I want to die. I'm probably going to hell for all this. I took a shit on most of the commandments except for "thou shall not murder". Yup. GOing to hell, for sure. And it really sucks to be godless. I'm agnostic. I prayed to God when I needed to get into my school. i prayed to God when I'm having hard time. I never pray to God when I'm doing fine. Now i've practically forgotten about God. I feel like shit all the time, but I can't even face him now. It's like I use God when I need and throw him aside when i don't. I am SO going to hell. My beliefs are inconsistent. It all depends on my mood. Sometimes even the person I'm talking to. I'm so fake. Um. I care WAY to much about what others think of me. Except my parents. I dislike my own culture, mainly because society kind of doesn't hold it in high regard due to stereotypes. I am extremely socialized. In the worst ways possible. I hate cleaning and laundry. I only clean/wash laundry when i'm on my very last pair of clean underwear. i do have enough clothes to go around though. I have no idea what I love. I don't like anything too much I suppose. I say i don't care about money, but PLEASE, i do. I'm pretty materialistic. I say and act like a lot things that I'm not. My life has been too easy. And I take everything for granted. Gosh i kinda don't want to wake up tomorrow morning. Dear God, if I'm terrible and worthless enough, just let me die tonight. Holy shit, if my dad dies before me I think I'll just kill myself as soon as no one's watching. I don't know if i can live without him. I'd rather die. And NOT because he supports me financially. To HELL with that SHIT. I AM NOT THAT SUPERFICIAL AD DISGUSTING. Even i have a limit. God I love my Dad. I just really really suck at remembering that fact. And I'm too obsessed with myself. Sorry. Oh and I'm really morbid. See? I think i have problems. i can't stop thinking about dying. Except i don't really want to die. So yea, that's ALL of my dirt. Everything I hate about myself. GAH I DON'T KNOW. I'M SO TiRED BUT I CAN'T SLEEP. Oh my god, that's SO much negative energy!! ^ no wonder i'm sad, angry, and apathetic all the time. I want to cry so badly, but I can't. I am such as horrible, confused person. I absolutely hate myself. I need help to figure what's real and what's a projection of my imagination. Last thought: I love my Dad. I'd die for him. It's just that I seriously suck at remembering that I love him. I'll try to be a better person. And if anyone's actually read this thing. Wow. Please. Get a life, i'm telling you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to insult you. I'm merely pointing out that you have WAY better things to do than reading an incoherent confessional rant. I sure as hell hope you're living funner, more active life than I am.. Get outside! Do what you love!