I was going to write a long post, justifying what I did with the surrounding circumstances, but why should I? It's not like it will make anything okay. Yes, I did something horrible. Maybe it was for the "thrill" of newness. Something I won't have again, because I'm committed. And because long distance hurts. I can't avoid it, can't break it off, just have to get through the remaining 3-5 years of it. So me and my best guy friend (let's call him "85"), who is incidentally my fiance's best friend as well, have both always been attracted to each other - it just happened that his friend (my fiance) asked me out first, 5 years ago. We have been friends for about 6 years. One night, last year, I was over at 85's place - the power had gone out so we were drinking wine, surrounded by candles. We were talking about relationships, and he all of a sudden told me he was still in love with me and that it killed him to see me with his best friend. I didn't know what to say, because we were both in relationships, so I just gave him a hug, and when I pulled back he kissed me lightly and I instantly kissed him back. One thing led to another, and we were lying there afterwards, knowing that we'd just missed our chance 5 years ago. We were with other people now, - good, amazing, "right" people, there was nothing to be done. We both felt terrible and guilty as hell about what we did; reckless and irresponsible to be driven by something as irrational as impulsive emotions. No self control. We promised we'd never tell, and that we'd never do it again. Few months went by, we pretended like nothing ever happened, and it seemed to be working. But I knew old feelings were coming back and I was falling for him again. My fiance had been in a different country for so long, it was difficult not to let my emotions run wild. I had never felt so torn. Our mutual promise to never do it again failed as soon as 85 kissed me upon goodbye one night (nothing more happened). Feelings started rushing in me like mad; I didn't want to let go. And yet again we'd make that promise. After that, we failed about once every month or two. We only slept together once, but we'd kiss and just cuddle in bed, or do other.. 'stuff'. Or we'd go out, have lunch/dinner or drinks, or go to concerts together. I just loved spending time with him. He cared about me so much, and was so protective of me. At times I felt he cared about me a lot more than my fiance did - for various reasons. There was a month when we saw each other so frequently, the people working at our favorite pub, and his coworkers thought we were dating. We finally broke it off once he moved away for work, along with his girlfriend. Which is okay because I am moving in a year as well, and right now I'm having such frequent concert tours so I'm never here anyway. I need change, I need to move on and restore my life. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice 5 years ago. I'd been interested in both of them, but my now fiance asked me out first. I didn't know that was going to evolve into such a long, long-distance relationship. I am alone all the time. Except for 3 months of the year. And it is going to remain that way for a long time. I'm absorbed by my work most of the time so it doesn't matter, but I feel alone, constantly. I'm aware that this is not an excuse. There IS no excuse. I know in my heart that my fiance is the right person for me, which is why I feel so guilty about my affair with 85. I also know I will never do such a thing again. I have never told anyone. I just don't know what to do to let go of the guilt, and I don't know how I will get over 85 once and forever.