For a while now every day i have a strange feeling followed by strange thoughts.. its a feeling that i dont understand it makes me angry sometimes but at other times its a feeling in my stomach and it makes me curl up into the fetile position and i just start thinkin about strange things like why arent i dead yet or how id love to kill people but then i think of how unsatisfying that would be or how i want to die but dont at the same time my feelings and my thought contradict all i ever think about is what i want and i cant figure it out i dont sleep much because my thought race.. sometimes i sit in my room with the light off and stare last night i was crying not balling tears just laying on my back with tears rolling down my cheeks staring at the ceiling and i reached towards the ceiling idk i guess i hoped in some strange way that someone would reach back and saw somthing move but it was too dark too see anything but i saw somthing it was like the shadow of my hand but different i stopped for a second then reached my hand back up but nothing happened so i turned over and closed my eyes things like this happen alot and sometimes i cant get thought straight all i think over and over i dont know i dont know i dont know and ill start to repeat over and over 1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2 and tap my finger until i get distracted i dont understand any of this or why it happens and everytime im not doing any of these things i get tired and feel likeblaying down so i do and then i cant sleep thse things just start again sometimes even around people when im just sitting there ill start to tap my finger and repeat 1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2.. and i cant stop i try but it makes me get anxious if i dont keep going and ill just sit there staring into space for a while tapping and repeating until i get distracted by somthing else... other times i just cry out of nowhere a tear will just roll down my cheek and i dont know why.. even worse i cant go out in public everytime im around too many people i start to get strange i just stare at the ground hoping noone notices me and its so hard to walk its like gravity is ten times its normal and each step is near impossible.. i can only go out at night i walk to the store sometimesbto pick up redbox since noones out at night now every day i make three slices on my leg each one deeper than the last but i dont know why somtimes i cry while doing it somtimes i just stare.. i cant figure myself out and everything seems completely hopeless and i even think about how much of a dead end road im on and how no matter what i do its all pointless then i laugh and hate myself for a little while till i fall asleep i dont know i dont know anything and theres nothing i can do its all just a puzzle with all of the pieces missing and i cant find them... does anyone out there have any real advice that could possibly help me figure it out i just need to do somthing but i cant figure out what.