I don't feel alive at all. I have no will to go for anything. The worst thing is - this situation is not unbearable. If it was impossible to live like this, I'd do something. This way, I'm just surviving, day after day, without doing a thing. There are certain things I wish to discuss with some friends and family, but they're not burning issues that need to be taken care of immediately - however I know it will create confrontation so I just put it under the rug, like I've been doing for years. I have no will to study for my exams. I don't see the point. I don't look forward to living a life with a university degree. I feel like I wasted several years feeling this way, so I think - as long as I keep the university problem lingering around, I'm still somehow connected to the familiar life (this same life that doesn't make me feel alive, I know). I also don't have any self discipline and even when I tell myself that I will study, I don't. Plus, I don't like the sequence of events that come after university - find a good job, get married, have kids. I do want all that, but I don't see myself in all of it yet. I am in a relationship but I don't think my boyfriend is "the one". I don't even know if "the one" exists or am I just telling that to myself to postpone any actual, real experience with what I do have right now. I daydream all the time, and only that makes me feel alive, but my daydreams rarely come true. I can't even make many of them come true, since those are daydreams about random events which I can't influence. Following this route, I will never live a life even remotely similar to the one of my daydreams, and that makes me feel like I'm failing this life. I just want to disconnect from everything and that makes me go back to my own world, and doesn't solve anything in reality. If I were to die right now, I wouldn't even know what I regret doing or not doing, cause I don't even see myself (myself as I really am) doing anything differently. If I were to die, I'd feel relieved that I don't have to deal with any of this crap anymore. However I'm not suicidal. If I were to die right now, I would feel sorry because I didn't awake "my inner fighter" and didn't do anything. I'm in such a dark place, and being in this place is like a habit... A life style. My personality. I don't know what to do, except continuing to live like this, which means that everything will be worse in time... How long will this go on? I know I am the only one responsible for this situation; more than 50% of these problems would go away if I handled them right, but I don't know what to do, how to make it better. I know the answers "in theory" but I don't FEEL the right thing to do inside of me. That's why all the attempts fail before they even start.