I am a good looking guy in recovery from drugs and alcohol, married and newly employed. I have been sober for over 3 months with no crystal meth or opiates, but today I got into a fight with my wife and was so upset I got a huge craving and relapsed on meth. I have a huge desire I cant shake when I do speed and my wife used to like it until I got out of control and got sent to rehab. I have a strong sexual craving when I get high to shave my lower body smooth and put on skimpy womens panties and fishnet stockings and just be comfortable with my body. I have never cheated on my wife of 8 years and feel like this has kept me satisfied as my wife doesnt ever dress up for me. Someone need s to be a little naughty if I am going to be able to have a marriage and I get so turned on to have this role reversal that only we know. She used to love sucking my smooth rock hard cock and pulling on my panties and watching me as I would slowly begin to slap her clit with it and fuck her like a man. I am so into pussy I guess when I am high and only then it is a big turn on for me to pretend I have one and show off my long legs and pretty feminine and sexy ass to her and then I always make sure she cums because she gives me the best head ever and I love the freedom of showing this side of my self and not having to hide it to her. She is a little uncreative when it comes to fucking and I always do all the work but she is up for getting railed hard or gently and I can do anything I want to her 38 year old body. I relapsed tonight and told her when I got home and she wants me out tomorrow she says cause we have a 1 year old son and she is tired of the drugs. I know I made a big mistake and I am worried my dick caused me to make a bad decision, but my dick feels so good right now in a new red g string I bought for myself I feel like it is possible I am a sex addict as well as drug addict. When I am sober I wear boxers and am a guys guy but every now and then I see myself with really sexy lingerie on and I crave the drugs and sexual gratification of playing the woman and modeling in front of the mirror taking pictures of my cock in assorted panties and drawing stars and hearts with black marker on my ass and legs. I love gothic girls and love to wear torn black stockings and put dark purple lipstick on with black eyeliner and I do the same and pretend I am watching a stripper when I look in the mirror. I feel so weird how much this behavior has taken hold of me but I feel I shouldn't repress it or fight it even though I should to stay sober. My preference would be to have a wife who would seduce me this way so maybe I have just been trying to hint at what I want but I dont want to hurt her feelings and make her feel I am dissapointed. She is a great person but just totally dependant on me doing all the fucking and playing around. Her skills with the way she sucks my cock and her big tits make me put up with it but I am a little bored if I dont spice things up with the panties on. I am very private and worry she might tell her friends I am such a freak if she leaves me but I guess I should just own my sexuality whether Taboo or not. I feel better getting this out and know it is written with accurate sexual desires I am feeling right now as I am high and my average white cock is giftwrapped in a nice sexy red thong that is sheer against it and from a distance and waist down I look like a tall leggy model with a landing strip going down to my little pussy. Time to make a nice dildo I can sit on and rub my dick softly through the fabric and wonder whats wrong with my priorities. Thanks for letting me be totally honest with this guys and thanks for reading.