It's both you and your moms fault, and if you're so worried for him why don't you let him live with you and help him get on his feet because it's the least you could so after you and your mother had been such bitches to him. I'm not going to comfort you in the least because you could have changed when you were younger but you chose not to.

Penpal... (if you still want to call me that, I can't blame you if you dont) I hope to hear from you soon...

And yet how many other people were around her that she may have been nice to? How many other people were around her that she treated the way she treated her brother? We don't have any way to know unless she tells us but no matter how you were taught, there comes a time when common sense should take over.

but that was all she knew as that was how her mother raised them both

I'm sorry but I have partially disagree with that. At some point, maybe at age 14, she should have been able to look around her and see that the way her brother was being treated was wrong. It is true that she most likely wouldn't have been able to stop her mother from hurting her brother but SHE could have stopped being mean to him.

If you're still watching this thread, I do still want to keep in contact. Check your email. I apologize in advance if what I say upsets you. I'll be waiting. You know who I am.

Growing up was similar for me, though not as bad to be sure. As long as I was respectful to my my mom and sisters I got by ok. But I was lowest on the totem pole, by far.

(This was rejected by the server the first time, I tried again on a whim, obviously it worked.) Im truly sorry to hear about what happened in your own childhood. I think it speaks highly of you that you reached out to me, a perpetrator, in a thoughtful and civil manner, even if you primary intent is to help my brother. I agree 100%, I do need to be begging his forgiveness for the rest of my life. Of course I recognize that what I did was wrong now, but not when it mattered most. Should I have known better when I was in my mid teens? I think so, especially when I am in a self recriminating mood. My therapist does not. Actually a lot of what we work through in therapy is ways that I can see myself in a more forgiving light. So please dont take this as me making excuses for myself, this mostly comes from my therapist. Im just trying to live with this, by seeing it in as objective light as possible. For one, I actually didnt know this, but our brain isnt fully developed until we are in our mid twenties. And that late development all occurs in the forebrain, which is very strongly implicated in moral reasoning. A lot of early morality is in fact conditioning to negative feedback. I didnt get much in the way of that, not from my peers (I always seemed to be popular and very respected in school, despite my bossy tendencies, I always wanted to be the leader at everything, and I was able to) And certainly I did not get negative feedback from my mother. She was the authority figure in my life, and not only did she not punish what I was doing, she actively condoned and fostered a lot of it. And this was all that I knew, ever since I can remember I was aware of the favoritism, though it became more intense later. So in that perspective what I did was predictable. Another thing. Emotions can be so incredibly intense when we are young. It is just impossible to describe how it made me feel to be favored so strongly. It was so validating, so self affirming, I felt so powerful and so wanted, but that doesnt begin to describe how good it made me feel. Sometimes I wonder if I essentially spent my entire childhood high. Am I a bad person for responding this way? Maybe, the question isnt rhetorical. But I can at least say that I didnt *choose* to respond in that way. My body essentially made that choice for me. And at some point, long before I started acting out the way I did, those feelings spilled over into sexual feelings. I remember very clearly, Christmas when I think I was nine or ten. This was around when the favoritism started really getting intense, when she started making him clean my room and make my bed. That Chrismas morning there was a magnificent pile of presents under the tree, I mean just ridiculously huge, she must have spent 1000s of dollars, and as I was tearing into them I was realizing that they were *all* for me. My brother was watching and crying quietly, and I felt this delirious sensation rush through my body, and I squeezed my thighs together and had what I later realized was the first orgasm of my life. We talked about this for a whole session in therapy, she says that this is part of sibling rivalry, which everyone experiences, it is our genes selfish drive to compete for as many resources as possible. Dopamine is the chemical released when we experience a sense of reward, such as when we win something. My body was basically flodded with dopamine all the time, because I was winning the sibling battle every moment of every day. Dopamine is also very tied to sexual response and orgasm. So what happened to me, and my later strong association to my superior feelings over him and my sexuality, is easily possible. As for your idea about setting up a trust fund for him, it is not a bad one. The thing is, his wife is actually quite rich, so it is possible that is one thing he doesnt have to worry about. I would *very* much like to see him divorce her, I am working hard at this moment to try to make this happen, and to help him to live independantly. And I would hope that he would get enough from her to at least be comfortable the rest of his life. There are some problems, though. I feel certain that she had him sign a prenup. That might not be the end, there are all kinds of circumstances which can invalidate one, and given their fucked up marriage there are bound to be half a dozen such. She does have basically unlimited resources to fight it, though. And,its going to be an uphill battle, my brother is absolutely terrified of standing up to her at all, I would guess that divorce for him seems unthinkable. And I cant blame him. He has no experience of living on his own, or supporting himself, nor does he have the capacity to, in my opinion. Feel free to contact me if you like, at the e-mail below a few comments down.

Her mom ruined his life. How could you say how you would react growing up in that weird ass house.

You ruined his life, you have to make it up for him.I don't even know how you can make it up for him. But killing yourself won't help. Suicide is not an option.

As for what goes on it is not good. He has no say in anything, no independence. When in public she is always with him, when she leaves the house alone he is literally locked in, no communication with the outside world. He gets half and hour of supervised internet/phone time a day. He has to call her maam, and cannot speak unless spoken to. When she sits he has to sit at her feet. I know for a fact that she has beaten him with a belt. He couldnt speak correctly for weeks because she made him have surgery on his lower tongue connection, to facilitate oral sex. I have walked in on them several times, not my fault she is shameless, to see him performing oral or oral/anal on him, sometimes I think cooking cleaning and that is his whole life. And I could go on.

Your mother was obviously a narcissist and you were the golder child (with additional information on /r/raisedbynarcissists), I wish you had killed yourself for what you did to him, it would in no way make up for how you contributed to the destruction of his life. And while your mum certainly played a large part you enabled her and kicked him back down so yeah don't even think of putting your blame onto her. Lets face it if people like you were shot the world would be a better place, I hope your colleagues find out about this and you get fired.

Mom and she were close for a long time. She was always attracted, I remember the looks she gave him, when she was over for dinner, when we were both still in hs. Part of the reason is that she could support him, my mom is well off but she is wealthy. Mom is a bit sycophantic towards her, always eager to please her. She always badgered him to make a good impression on her. I wonder sometimes if there was a financial inducement as well. The thing is, she really did make him feel desired and wanted for a time, which sadly was totally new for him, he was only half resistant.

Just wow. That is a very difficult story. What you did was absolutely atrocious. I guess given your age and the environment you grew up in, you have to be given some allowance. But still, good grief. What is the story with his wife? Why did your messed up mother insist he marry her. What is going on between them?

Ok, I created a burner e-mail address for this purpose. abs472732 AT gmail DOT com I'll be checking from time to time, hope to hear from you.

Alright. I'll bite but you'll have to give me another way to communicate with you because I'm not talking about it here.

And amazingly, throughout he remains a very good person. He would never hurt anyone. As well as, unfortunately, being very, very meek. This has actually gotten a lot worse since being married.

If willing, I would love to hear more about your experience growing up. I have heard many accounts of the boy being favored, but few of the girl, and none like mine. And I am working on getting him out of that situation, and the plan is for him to stay with me until I can get him settled.

Hi, I can't seem to write anything more than a sentence, without the server rejecting it??

I have no sympathy for you. I was in a similar upbringing, bitch mother hated me because I've got a dick. The difference is that I wasn't tormented by my sisters so I don't have negative feelings towards them. That said, just apologizing is not half enough. You really want to atone? Don't just apologize. Fall on your knees and beg for him to forgive you. And do what you can to get your brother out of that situation at all costs. Let him move in with you and while you're at it, kick your mother's teeth down her throat. Speaking from experience, you'll both be very lucky if he doesn't come back some day and gut you both like the pigs you were to him, along with his shotgun wedding wife.

Tell him that if he decides to leave his wife, he can stay with you. Then he will know u truly care about him

Oh wow....this makes the relationship between my siblings and I seems so much less dysfunctional because bullying each other in our terms means taking food from each other..

VVV I think your wrong, I dont think it was her fault, her mom blatently set up that situaton.

As someone who was sexually abused as a child (not by family), and then went through the rest of childhood being constantly tormented and bullied by my siblings, and watching them get new clothes and cars and all sorts of stuff all the time while I got nothing, I have to say: you did some really, really bad things. You may have some hope for recognizing that what you did was wrong, but man... you need to be begging your brothers forgiveness for the rest of your life. Yeah, your mother is fucked up and created this situation, but once you reached your mid teens you should have known better. You NEED to understand that your brother is emotionally scarred for life by what he had to deal with, from you and from her. Meanwhile, you are flitting around with your great job making tons of money and your "rich and fulfilling life" while he is miserable. These scars last forever. He will always have trouble providing for himself and feeling adequate at even the simplest of daily tasks. Picture that. Now it is even worse because he is still dependent on an abusive person, even if it is someone different now. You want to help him? Set up a trust fund for him. Support him. If you think he will not accept it from you, do it anonymously. Tie it down really tight too so that evil wife of his cannot touch it. These things exist. Consult a financial advisor. They do not need to know why you want to do this and frankly do not care. Just make it happen. Keep seeing your therapist.

Yes I have to deal with the guilt now. But given our outcomes, I can't agree with you, or my therapist.

What a cunt

Dont blame others, blame urself for doing nothing to prevent him get abuse. You can just suicide or help other people who were abuse like your brother. Dont bother me if not agree.

Hmm, I doubt that.

What is up with your brothers wife? what is going on with them?

gee glad to hear your doing so well

Sorry but your mom is awful

you had the right idea with the knife in your throat

worthless whore

Its good that you apologized. Its not your fault, IMO

tl;dr

I agree with your therapist, what you experienced was a form of abuse, it was a very distorted way of growing up. And the blame rests with your mother, dont feel guilty.

Im a girl and honestly i wish my mom raised me this way.

Um, yes.

If I was aroused by this does that mean there is something wrong with me?

I agree, this was blatantly your moms fault. Dont blame yourself honey.

Thank you for the considerate and considered response. My suicidal impulse was what me and the therapist discussed exclusively when I first started seeing her. She believes I am out of danger ,and i agree. I also agree with you that a large portion of the blame rests with my mother. But really, this is a very confusing area for me. Obviously, she predisposed me towards behaving in this way. But she didnt force me to do what I did. I could have helped him, been emotionally supportive. Nothing stopped me. But instead, I chose to behave in absolutely the worst possible manner. So I cant help but believe that a huge portion of the blame rests with me. And you may be right, I may just have to accept it and live with it. My mother is impossible to talk with about this subject. And if she feels any guilt, she certainly doesnt show it.

Wow that is probably the worst possible advice (not op).

do lsd

do lsx

If you apologized and your brother accepted it, thats all you can expect from him. If you are still feeling guilty about it after that, you might just have to live with it. If it got to the point of suicidal thoughts, bring that up with your therapist. Also, it sounds like your unfair treatment and subsequent guilt are largely your mothers fault. Maybe you should talk to her about it. Dont shift all the guilt to her, but maybe if you share it, you will feel better. And who knows? Maybe she feels guilty too. You seem like you are pretty happy right now, and thats good. Try to forgive yourself for what you did a long time ago by being the best you can be in the present, and please dont hold a knife to your throat again.