I've been with my boyfriend for five years. We've talked about marriage and kids, but as of right now aren't officially engaged, although we are living together and have for almost four years. He suffers from a mood disorder and is on some medication. About two to three years ago our sex life really started to tank in terms of frequency. We haven't had sex at all in the last year, and while we've talked about how distressing I find this, he doesn't really seem all that bothered by it. It wasn't until last month he even told his shrink that the medication had completely killed his libido. About a year ago I made contact with a guy through an internet site we are both active members of, and we've since become friends on Skype. Most of the chatting was completely normal - the sort of how are you doing, how's life kind of thing - but it would occasionally turn a little flirty. Nothing particularly overt. We've been supporting each other's efforts to lose weight/eat healthier. He told me he really wanted me to come to a recent party for that this online community was throwing. Of course, he's also married with two children. His wife is sick (cancer) and they haven't had sex in several months, and he told me that things have been rocky for a while now. In that context, I remember telling him that all relationships go through bad phases, and that things usually turn around after a while. In any event, I'm sure you can see where this is going. He picked me up from the airport when I got into the city where the party was being held, and we hung out that day. That evening, he suggested that we hook up. We're both in rocky relationships and haven't had sex in quite some time. It would be a strictly platonic, FWB, physical release thing, and doing that with a friend would be better/safer. I was immediately interested, but it wasn't until the next day I said yes. We had sex three times over the next two days. All relatively short sessions, but it was intense. And fun, I thought. Then it all went to hell. Neither of us had definite plans for the next day, and he didn't respond to my texts. I immediately figured something was wrong, and for once it wasn't just my usual paranoia. He and his wife had a long talk, and they are going to get into therapy, and now he felt incredibly guilty about what we had done. At the same time he acknowledged he was incredibly attracted to me, and that the sex was great, and it had been a long time since he had felt wanted. He wants to stay friends. And now I'm in some sort of living hell. I'm not stupid - I don't love this guy. I don't know him well enough to love him. But this entire experience has woken up something I had forgotten about. I miss being desired. I miss being WANTED. I haven't felt so miserable and rejected and torn up in a long time. I love my boyfriend, and I know he loves me. But I don't know if he wants me, and I don't know if I can live without that. I'm essentially a practical person; I believe that any relationship, if it's going to last, involves some compromise. There is no such thing as soul mates or finding another person who fills all your wants and needs. But I don't know if I can compromise on something as basic as being with someone who doesn't appear to have much desire for me, and who doesn't seem to care. I keep trying to stop myself from daydreaming that this other guy will decide his marriage isn't going to work, and that he wants to try being with me. THAT I feel guilty about. It's patently absurd. His wife and his kids (and my boyfriend, for that matter) don't deserve to be hurt. That's pretty much it. I'm completely fucked up in the head by this whole thing, and I can't stop remembering how this guy smells, and the sound of his voice. I deserve to be told what a horrible person I am. I just don't know how to unscrew myself, and now I don't know what I should do with my boyfriend. I just want to turn back the clock and say "no". But I can't do that.