What kind of soup do they serve in a gay Chinese restaurant? Cream of some young guy. How many fags does it take to rape a girl? Two; one holds her down while the other does her hair. What do you call a vampire in drag? A transvestbite. ;[ Did you hear about the new NFL franchise consisting of an all-queer roster? They plan to be a real come-from-behind team. What's the definition of dried fruit? A fag with a vasectomy. What do lesbians do for dinner? Eat out. How many heterosexual San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them. A hot, tired, and dusty cowboy came into a bar, pounded his fist to get the bartender's attention, and said; 'I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls!' A fag sitting in the corner overheard and piped up with 'Moo, mooooo.' What do you call a homosexual community in Alaska? Frosted flakes. Why do men have nipples? So fags will know what they're missing. What's brown and squishy and wears pearls? The gay rights movement. What's the difference between herpes and Aids? One's a love story and the other's a fairy tale. How do faggots spell relief? N-O-A-I-D-S How do faggots get into college? Financial Aids. What does Aids stand for? Adios, Infected Dick Sucker. Why is Aids a miracle? It's the only thing in the world that can change a fruit into a vegetable. What happens if you get on a bus full of queers? You get off. What Richard Simmons call a condom? Seal-a-meal. What's green, gay, and flies through the air? Peter Pansy. What did the constipated fag say to his boyfriend? 'With friends like you, who needs enemas?' In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82% of the men responded that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18% revealed that they had been sucked into it. What do you call a gay smurf? A smaggot. A fag paid a visit to his doctor and confided that he had a vibrator stuck up his ass. 'Let me have a look,' said the doctor reassuringly. 'I'll have it out in no time.' 'Oh doctor, please don't do that,' said the fag. 'What the hell do you want me to do?' asked the doctor. 'Change the batteries, please.' ========== ------------------------------ Return to Topics Return to day index Return to Month Index Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 01:34:15 -0400 From: DHALPERN@DREW.BITNET Subject: More gay humor (mostly PG) a few R Yes folks, it's... -----------------------FAG JOKES part three------------------------------------- What did one gay sperm say to the other? 'How'm I supposed to find an egg in all this shit?' 'In the center ring,' cries the ringmaster, 'we have Nero, the boldest and bravest animal trainer in the world. Watch, ladies and gentleman, as he puts his head between the jaws of our man-eating lion!' The crowd roars as Nero pulls out his head unscathed. 'Now, folks, watch this!' shouts the announcer, as Nero unzips his pants and puts his prick between the giant teeth. 'Don't do it!' shrieks the audience as the lion's jaws clamp shut. But withou flinching, Nero pulls them open and removes his unharmed penis, and wild cheers fill the arena. When the noise dies down the ringmaster steps forward and announces, 'Ladies and gentleman, a prize of five thousand dollars, yes, five thousand dollars to the man in our audience who'll try that trick.' His jaw drops as a small, effeminate man steps right up to ringside. 'You're going to repeat that trick with our man-eating lion in front of all these people?' 'Certainly,' syas the fag, 'but I must tell you something first. I don't think I can open my mouth as wide as the lion did.' What's this?[Stamp one foot up and down, and bow head and blow.] A paramedic giving artificial resuscitation to a fag with Aids. Did you hear about Calvin Klein's jean's for fags? They have knee pads in the front and a zipper in the back. One Sunday in church, a homo decided to make a ten-dollar contribution as the collection plate went by. Seeing his generosity, the preacher said, 'Brother, we'll let you pick the next three hymns.' The fag stood up and said,'Oh goody! I'll take him... and him... and him!' 'My dildo can do anything a man can do,' boasted a hairy dyke in a bar one night. 'Oh, yeah?' replied a nearby drunk, 'Let's see your dildo get up and order a round of drinks.' What's the difference between a hematologist and a horny faggot? A hematologist pricks your finger... What do you call a fag in a sleeping bag? Fruit roll-up. How can you tell the gay guy in biology class? WHile everyone else is dissecting frogs, he's opening flies. Did you hear about the gay judges who tried each other? How about the gay plastic surgeon who hung himself? What do you call a gay midget? A low blow. What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar? A flamethrower. What do you call a fag in jail? Canned fruit. What's a gay bartender's favorite drink? Fruit cocktail. What do you call a faggot in the navy? A real Admiral. ========== ------------------------------ Return to Topics Return to day index Return to Month Index Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 08:09:24 +0200 From: P. Molijn - S Soerjoesing Subject: My dog SEKS(rated ?) > > Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover or Boy'. I call mine > 'sex'. > > Now, Sex has been very embarrising to me. When I went to city Hall > to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a > license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one too'. Then I said, > 'But this is a dog'. He said, 'I don't care what she looks like'. > Then I said, 'You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine > years old'. He said, 'You must have been quite a kid' > > When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with > me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, > and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place > was for sex. > I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The > clerk said, 'Me too'. > > One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition > began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just > standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex > in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. 'But > you don't understand,' I said. 'I had hoped to have Sex on TV'. He > called me a show-off. > > When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody > of the dog. I said, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married'. > The judge said, 'Me too'. Then I told him that after I was married, > Sex left me. He said, 'Me too'. > > Last night, Sex ran off again, I spent hours around town looking > for him. A cop came over to me asked, 'What are you doing at 4 > o'clock in the morning ?' I said, 'I'm looking for Sex'. My case > comes up friday. > this joke was written in the original vi(dos)editor ========== ------------------------------ Return to Topics Return to day index Return to Month Index Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 10:11:17 EDT From: Bill Edwards Subject: Smart aleck kiddie humor I can understand any language but Greek. Answer: If any language is spoken, say: 'That's Greek to me.' What large animal that you all know has four legs and flies? Answer: A horse, an elephant, etc. (buzz, buzz). How many books can a student put in an empty grocery sack? Answer: One; after that, the sack isn't empty. If your left arm was accidentially cut off, would your right arm be left? Answer: If 'yes', you're wrong. Only the right arm would be left. If 'no', you're wrong. The right is left. What should you aways do with your eyes? Answer: Dot them. ========== ------------------------------ Return to Topics Return to day index Return to Month Index Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 08:24:21 CDT From: Colleen Lamb Subject: Lost dog Sign in my vet's office: LOST DOG: Three legs, blind in left eye, missing right ear, tail broken, recently castrated, answers to the name of Lucky. ========== ------------------------------ Return to Topics Return to day index Return to Month Index Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 15:36:01 BST From: Mike Ellwood Subject: naval - robust language, dubious taste, sexually implicit Naval regulations are very strict. In the case of a ship sinking, the captain must be the last to abandon ship. In fact, in many cases the captain must go down on his ship... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The young Winston Churchill said of the Royal Navy (at about the turn of the century), that life aboard ship consisted of: 'Rum, sodomy, and the Lash'. No one is quite sure whether he meant this as a pejorative comment, or whether it was part of a recruiting campaign. ========== ------------------------------ Return to Topics Return to day index Return to Month Index Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 10:08:08 -0500 From: Brad Pardee Subject: Mt. Rushmore Did you hear about the two new faces that they are going to add to Mount Rushmore? They're adding Bill Clinton. ========== ------------------------------ Return to Topics Return to day index Return to Month Index Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 09:44:27 MST From: Joel Subject: Massage Parlor A man was calling around to massage parlors, sort of comparison shopping, finding out about rates and services. He calls this one massage parlor downtown and asks several questions and then says, 'One last question. Do you massage genitals?' The massage parlor owner replies, 'Jews, genitals, we massage everybody!' ========== ------------------------------ Return to Topics Return to day index Return to Month Index Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 10:20:41 -0700 From: Jill Harlow Subject: David Letterman Cheers Joke What are the top ten reasons why 'Cheers' is going off the air? (According to David Letterman) 10. They ran out of beer nuts. 9. It's all part of NBC's master plan to stay in third place 8. Ego of the postman is out of control. He constantly storms off shouting 'I am Cheers!' 7. White men can't resist sequels. 6. Unlike other shows, they decided to quit when they ran outta ideas. 5. Actors are so bored with their roles, they finish their lines by saying etc., etc. 4. Norm's liver is now roughly the size of an ottoman. 3. Ted Danson's toupee is even more obvious than mine (Letterman) 2. Realization that if you're gonna get really wasted, you don't want to do it where everybody knows your name. 1. Stool rash. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you heard about the new movie Spaceballs III:The Search for Spaceballs II? Nah, just joshin. Laters ========== ------------------------------ Return to Topics Return to day index Return to Month Index Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 13:03:24 -0400 From: DHALPERN@DREW.BITNET Subject: If you're a member of act-up, read this. Two fags were walking down the street in San Francisco when a man walked past them. 'See that guy?' said one fag to the other. 'He's a great fuck!' 'No shit!?' exclaimed his friend. 'Well, hardly any.' A flaming fag sashays into the roughest, toughest truckstop on the highway, a parakeet on his shoulder. He looks around the restaurant at all the burly truckers and announces loudly, 'Whichever one of you big bruisers can guess the weight of this darling parakeet gets to go home with me.' Silence falls over the truckstop. Then one of the toughest-looking guys speaks up. 'That's an easy one- five hundred pounds.' The dainty fag shrieks delightedly, 'We have a winner! We have a winner!' What do you call a fag from Alabama? A homosex-y'all Why do fags become paleontologists? To find a homo erectus. How many fags does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb and other to grease the socket. Two fags were walking down the street and the first one said, 'Hold it a sec- I smell fresh cock.' 'No you don't said his companion. 'I just burped.' Why do gays make lousy Santas? Instead of filling your stockings, they try them on. Two gays were having a drink at the bar when an attractive woman walked by. 'Mmmmmmmmm...' said one appreciatively, eyeing her up and down. 'Oh Tom!' shrieked his horrified friend. 'Don't tell me you're going straight!' 'Nothing like that,' said Tom musingly. 'It's just that sometimes I can't help wishing I'd been born a lesbian...' Did you hear that the fag canceled his ocean cruise? He heard that Moby Dick was a whale. A fag was brushing his teeth when his gums started bleeding. 'Thank god,' he mumbled, 'safe for another month.' Two homosexual lovers were fighting: 'Drop dead!' 'Go to Hell!' 'Oh, so you wanna make up!' What's a gay mafioso? A fairy godfather. What charges can you bring against a transvestite? Male fraud. What's tender love? A pair of homos with hemorroids. Did you hear about the gay Bible? The first couple was Adam and Steve. What happened when the two gay sergeants met? They talked about their privates. Gay man to whore: 'Prostitute!' Whore to gay whore: 'Substitute!' Why do transvestites like christmas? That's when they don their gay apparel. What do gay South Africans get? Apart-Aids. What's another name for Aids? Toxic cock syndrome. This is a fairy tale: Once upon a time there was a rich and handsome king. He sent fliers throughout his kingdom promising that whoever brought him the head of the fearsome dragon that was terrorizing the countryside could have all his wealth or the hand of his lovely daughter in marriage. Of course, all the able-bodied men in the kingdom went off in pursuit. Three days later a fellow arrived at the palace door bearing the head of the dragon. 'well done,' exlaimed the king. 'You may have my beautiful daughter's hand.' 'Thanks, but I don't want your daughter,' said the man. 'I see. Come with me to empty out the treasury,' offered the king. 'Thanks, but I don't want your money either. I want YOU, sweetie!' So they lived happily ever after. See, I TOLD you it was a fairy tale. How do you get rid of crabs? Find a faggot who likes seafood.