I have dug myself into the deepest hole. The solution is simple-tell the truth, but the reality is, I am so scared to tell these two men the truth and lose them forever. On top of that, I am terrified that everyone who knows me will find out. I know I cant go on living with this guilt forever, and I know that eventurally I would be fored to choose. Let me start from the beginning. I met this guy who lived about 3 hours away at a tattoo expo. I didnt think much of him, he was just a new friend for the day. We had a few beers, looked at some exhibits and laughed at people..I was in a drunken stupor. We exchanged numbers, I was looking for an after party, not a relationship. He did call me a few weeks later and invited me and my friend over. We were in the area so we stopped by. It turned out he was doing pretty well for himself. He had a brand new car, a nice condo in a nice neighborhood, and the most awesome personality to boot. Heres the catch you were waiting for-he was definitely no cutie. Not by most peoples standards. He was cock eyed, walked funny, had a short neck, pronounced crooked teeth, a bad haircut, dressed in ripped clothes like a bum and was just not overall attractive. I think he was literally trying to be as unattractive as posssible, because he felt so bad about his eye and other physical ailments. I didnt want to be with him, I just wanted to be friends. The next week he and his roommate invited me and my friend down for the weekend and we ended up drinking..I drank alot ( but surprisingly I was having an amazing time. I have never felt more comfortable around any other guy than I have with this guy) and I actually slept with the him. We visited back and forth this way every weekend for a little over a month. One night we went out to the bars. I went on the dance floor and he stayed behind. I met a cute guy on the dance floor who was much more my type. I exchanged a few glances and my phone number and went back to my less attractive sweetie. The next week, me and the dancer began exchanging text. We ended up having an amazing connection. So I called my Sweetie, to make sure that he knew where we stood. But he ended up telling me he considered me his girlfriend! I know now that that was what he thought I wanted to hear, and I told him what he wanted to hear which was "yea I feel the same way". That was the first time I lied to the Sweetie and I have been lying ever since. Fast forward 7 months. I have continued contact with the dancer. He was a much needed companion to me. Through the past years, most likely because I was so ashamed of how I was conducting my love life have become much more withdrawn from people...as if I dont want to hurt anyone else. Anyways, Sweetie left for two weeks with no notice. I was on spring break and found out that an old crush was newly single and had had an apartment in town. Me and two of my best friends partied with him all that week. I could tell he was starting to develop feelings for me, even though he knew I had a boyfriend which he had even met, he still held on to the hope that we could be more than friends. One night after going to a movie he was too drunk to drive home. I was also highly intoxicated which made that much easier for all those complex emoitions for the Sweetie to dissipate completely. We had steamy, hot passionate sex that night. And we continued having sex just about every free moment we had for the next two weeks. Then Sweetie came back into the picture after not calling me for two weeks. It was real confusing. I didnt want to leave him for my former crush because I knew he was not the right guy for me. He was a partier and didnt have the nice house, car, job or credit score. He didnt have amazing upstanding friends or a great family. His parents were poor, never taught him anything about life basically he was from the wrong side of the tracks type of guy. But then here I am cheating on an amazing man so I felt like I didnt deserve anything better than the crush anyway. I told the crush we had to stop what we were doing and go back to being friends and he complied but it didnt end up that way. He came over to watch TV and make dinner and we fell into bed again. I knew I couldnt control my actions after this. In the meantime I had gone on a few dates with the dancer and then once again after having one too many drinks, I slept with him. I think a part of me just felt I could never get caught. Like with Sweetie three hours away and Crush half an hour away and then Dancer 1 hour away how would they ever run into eachother. And even if they did I doubt the conversation would be about me. Sweetie moved half way across the world for school 4 months after me and the crush started sleeping together. We had a two hour conversation about how I knew that when he left it would be the end. I finally confessed that I had never wanted a relationship with him, and he once again convinced me to stay in this relationship with him. After he moved, Crush basically moved in. We lived together for a solid 5 months. Then on and off for the other 2. During that time, I found out Crush had slept with my best friend 2 weeks after we had started hooking up., I found out Crush had slept with his ex girlfriend one night before coming to my house and sleeping with me 2 hours later. I found out he had slept with his best friends ex a month after that. Then on Christmas, I caught him hooking up with his same ex again. I found out they slept together the next day. Thats when I decided to end things with the Crush. The thing had always been..that even with all this lying, the Crush always known the truth about me. He knew about Sweetie and the Dancer. He knew about the guy with coke at the Halloween party. ( a random hook up I had that year). But after he slept with his ex, the next year was very different. Sweetie is still countries away, but calling and writing and trying to maintain a relationship. I am back in my country, trying to start a new relationship with the Crush, but we could never have one because he knew I still had alot of love for Sweetie. Because I knew I still had love for the Sweetie. Finally..I could not live with the guilt for another day. So to keep myself from bursting open, I tell the Sweetie that I started to date someone back home. It is not the whole disgusting story of betrayal and disrespect, but it gets the point across-to him I could not be faithful. However when I found out that once again the Crush was trying to be with another woman, I called the Sweetie begging for forgiveness and to take me back. He did. With the condition that I wouldnt take the second chance for granted, but I have. I decided at the last minute to not move in with the Sweetie, what I thought was my last option to completely forget about the Crush, because I couldnt stand to live my life not knowing what could have been with me and him if we just gave us a second chance. Because I knew that I was in love with him. That is why I could never lie to him, why I was so willing to forgive all the hurt he had put me through, because he was my love...not Sweetie. But then there was still this huge part of me that wanted that eternal moment in time back that I had with Sweetie. Before the cheating and before the lies. Before I let fear control my actions, before I turned into a person I could not recognize..a period of time I have never shared with the Crush. Just thinking about how happy me and the Sweetie were brings tears to my eyes. I ruined a love more beautiful than any romance I had ever seen. I was to scared to be a part of it so I tore it down. I told Sweetie I wanted it to be over. He cried, we were both in a funk but me and the Crush were officially free to be together, with no third party to be invovled or hurt by our actions. But the Crush ended up being a real asshole. He couldnt trust me (why should he), he was still in love with his ex ( obviously so was I) and we went through melt down after melt down before breaking up. But we continued to have sex. Then I met the most amazingly gorgeous man I hae seen in a very long time. A buff, tall, tan, blue eyed, sensitive, polite, athletic, charizmatic adonis! He was fucking hot. And we started as friends and after a month told eachother we only wanted a physical relationship that, we continued for three months. Then he moved away and I moved back on to the Crush and Sweetie situation. Another hot ex of mine had learned of me and the Adonis and I think partly out of ego wanted to see if we could hook up one last time. And I had been missing being close with him for that past year. It was who I was getting over when Sweetie rushed me into our relationship. We slept together a total of 3 times in two weeks and went back to friends. We havent talked about it since. Neither the Crush or Sweetie know about these trist. Hence, the beginnign of keeping secrets from the Crush, Sweetie has somehow found himself under the impresion that we are back together, no thanks to me, and I have been trying to make things work with the Crush ever since..telling myself if they dont, I will go back with the Sweety and never look back. But things with the Crush have got real bad. Again this past Christmas, after we had been fighting for months, said we werent together even thought we were having sex, he slept with some girl he met on facebook. So it was over between us. He changed his number, i gave him his ring back, he told me he was moving away and on. I was going to just be somoebody he used to know. But I sank into the deepenst darkest depression ever. I told the Sweetie it was school. I told my work I was sick. I couldnt talk about it to my family or my friends because few if any know the truth at this point. I was all alone. Two weeks later me and the Crush began talking. We met up to say good bye but we just ended up having insane break up sex that consqequently reunited us. Weve been together ever since. And its getting really complicated really fast. Because now me and the Crush are together. He is my boyfriend, I havent told Sweetie that he is not. Even if things do not work out with me and the Crush, Sweetie will never want to actually be with me when he finds out the truth. And If I chose to try to be with him, I couldnt without letting him know all of this. So Ive lost the Sweetie. And for some reason I am so worried that he is the better man..maybe because he is. But I am in love with the Crush and those feelings are literally out of my control. I guess Im just waiting till the last minute to let Sweetie know we have BEEN over because I am so scared of hurting him, even though the damage is done. I just keep waiting for him to dump me, but at this rate he never will. But I need to say something and fast because this has been going on for two years next week!