i reconnected with a old school friend back n 2009 i was so scared that i had nothing to offer him... he had just graduated from college and i still had no idea what i wanted in life. we went on a trip together and then he bought a ticket for a concert and i bought a plane ticket out to see him. before leaving my sister asked me to move out with her and i canceled my ticket to see him to go be with her... three months later i headed back across the states to go home and by chance landed in his town to stay the night due to weather. we met up and went out... we smoked that evening and because i am so freaking sensitive to pot i just couldn't feel comfortable being serious and felt stupid so no way was i going to get intimate. i went back to my hotel and ran away again with thoughts of how easy it would be to stay... but scared... financially and the feeling that i had nothing to offer him... i had nothing to offer myself yet either but flighty dreams. time has gone by... i dated and then met my husband.... i was pregnant within 3 weeks of dating him. he lied to me the very first day and for some reason... probably an inner desire to have a family of my own that i was ignoring... i let it slide giving him the benefit of the doubt. one baby comes and then before you know it i was pregnant again, ( i wanted her to have a sibling so she always had a best friend like my brother and i). WELL! three years later i despise my husband... i wish we never got married... i felt like it was the right thing to do for the babies... unhappiness is not the right thing for babies and marriage is never the answer... especially in today's world. but i had no one to tell me that. but since leaving his house that night on the road trip i've never stopped thinking about him. every. day. i dream about him constantly... although i tell myself these are choices I've made and i left. i chose to leave. and i always compare my relationship with husband to relationship i had with him. incomparable really... husband just knocked me up and i'm too nice to be a bitch and walk away. anyways he has a long distance girlfriend and still looks good. i love my babies with everything they are my light... but holy fuck WHY am i so fucking stupid... husband just drinks and smokes and is lazy... he sleeps, and then tries to climb on top of me an stick in penis in. never is fun, doesn't play, so selfish! and i refuse because i don't want to become pregnant again. his family sucks. and i always ask him to stop, please stop, and i will not give up leaving this county for the fact that it could save a marriage to be away from family in your shit 24/7... but i know my life deserves better. he was better... i just had to say it all and know someone would listen. i am changing my life, this won't be this way forever! i am going to get a great job somewhere else and those kids are coming with me... he is too but we'll see how long it lasts then. either way.. to you,,,, i miss you in my life. i dream about you, and i'm sorry i was so stupid. if i could go back and do it all again i would have been on that plane. ... i would have stayed and made a life closer to you just to be with you. You are amazing in more ways than i could even begin to tell you. my first love... and how i wish i could say my only love. i shouldn't have lowered my standards.