A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, > >> 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' > >> > >> The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' > >> > >> The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but > >> then > >> I stopped.' > >> > >> The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. > >> You're > >> not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's > >> and > >> put $50 in the poor box.' > >> > >> The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked > >> over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to > >> leave. > >> The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw > >> that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' > >> > >> The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and > >> according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' > >> > >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >> > >> There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon > >> entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have > >> sinned.' > >> > >> The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' > >> > >> The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate > >> love > >> to me seven times.' > >> > >> The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons > >> into a glass and then drink the juice.' > >> > >> The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' > >> > >> The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' > >> > >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >> > >> A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife > >> was > >> sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're > >> beautiful.' > >> > >> T hen he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that > >> before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes la ter his eyes > >> fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' > >> > >> The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now > >> 'cute.' > >> > >> She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' > >> > >> The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.' > >> > >> > >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >> > >> An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation > >> ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, > >> many > >> children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked > >> up > >> two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex > >> with each of them three times.' > >> > >> Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' > >> > >> Man: 'What sins?' > >> > >> Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' > >> > >> Man: 'I'm Jewish.' > >> > >> Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' > >> > >> Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody.'