COSMIC CONSCIENCE
Posted Mar 2, 2011 by anonymous | 173 views | 0 comments
I THINK THOMAS HARRIS' WORKS ARE QUITE ACCURATE. WHEN I SAW SILENCE OF THE LAMBS FOR THE FIRST TIME IT WAS IF SOMEONE HAD PEERED INTO MY HEAD, THE HEAD OF BUFFALO BILL. AT TEN I REMEMBER FANTASIZING ABOUT THE VERY ACTS HE COMMITED IN THIS MOVIE. CREATING A SUIT OF FEMALE ATTIRE FROM THEIR ACTUAL BODIES. IT WAS A SECRET I NEVER SHARED WITH ANYONE. HOW CAN SOMEONE HAVE FICTIONALIZED WHAT I HAD THOUGHT OF AS A CHILD. NO, I NEVER DID SUCH A THING THOUGH I CAME CLOSE TO BECOMING A SERIAL KILLER WHEN I WAS IN MY EARLY TWENTIES. THE ATYPICAL PROSTITUTE HUNTER. I LATER REALIZED I WAS TRYING TO KILL WHAT WAS IN MY MIND, EFFEMANINITY. I AM NEARLY FORTY NOW AND STILL AM DUMBFOUNDED WHEN I READ THESE BOOKS BY THOMAS. HANNIBAL THE BOOK AND THE MOVIE WERE GREAT BUT I CANNOT GET OVER HOW HE ILLUSTRATED MY PRIVATE CHILDHOOD FANTASIES OF KIDNAPPING GIRLS FOR MY OWN PERVERSE PLEASURE. MAYBE THERE IS SUCH A THING AS COSMIC CONSCIENCE. I AM LYING DORMANT NOW, I HAVE NOT HAD THE REAL URGE TO KILL FOR NEARLY TWENTY YEARS. PERHAPS SOMEDAY I COULD SNAP AND RETREAT FROM THIS LIFE OF ILLUSION, WORK, MARRIAGE, INTO MY OWN PRIVATE FANTASY WORLD AGAIN. PERHAPS I WOULD BENEFIT BY WRITING OR PAINTING WHAT WAS LOCKED AWAY IN THE DARK RECESSES OF MY MIND FOR SO LONG. AT ANY RATE IT IS SCARY THAT TWO PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT WALKS OF LIFE WOULD FANTASIZE ABOUT SIMILAIR THINGS. ONE WOULD PROFIT FROM PUTTING IT TO PEN, WHILE THE OTHER WOULD NEARLY LIVE IT IN REALITY. BORDERLINE
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