Almost 40, and I've never had sex. I haven't kissed a girl since college, or been on anything more than a psudo-date in 15 years. When I was a kid I was fat and moved around a lot, so I never socialized well. Got picked on in HS. Was too shy in college to have any kind of normal relationship. Now I have a decent job, rent a house, have a car and a few friends. But mostly I just sit home alone. I like a few nerdy things, like history, sci fi and reading, but I don't go overboard. I don't obsess over anime, or write fan fiction. I don't have sex with pillows or balloons, I'm not a furry or diaper fetishist. Over the past decade I've branched out into being able to fix my own car, I listen to a lot of music like alt rock jazz and some pretty cool stuff, I wear suits to work and try to dress well. But I no longer feel it's realistic for any woman to want to be with me. Every time I've felt a woman was interested in me, it turns out they weren't. Every time I've asked out a girl, I've been turned down. I think I must be horribly ugly. I'm still slightly overweight, and no human has seen me naked in decades. I feel if someone did they would just think I was repulsive. At this point, I just can't see having a normal relationship. Even if I'm not a horrible looking monster, I can't see any woman wanting to go through the hassle of dating someone who has no idea how to act in bed. How do you even tell someone that? On the first date? Second? You might as well tell them you were unmanned in an accident. "Hi, I can never have a normal relationship. Wanna go out with me?" Not to mention most women my age are married, or if not, have kids. I can't imagine I'd be a success at being an emotional companion to a person, much less a step-parent. I've given up on even thinking I could ever know love, or the touch of a human. Once every few years I get a special moment, like a long conversation where I spark with a girl (oops, married!) or a dance with a stranger in a bar on a random night around the holidays. But those moments, while treasured, are fleeting. I used to ache and obsess over girls; now it's gone from even a dull feeling to just nothing. It's hard to miss what you've never really had, even if it's something as fundamental as human companionship. It's not all bad. I'm independent. I don't rely on anyone. I'm not one of those people who can't function unless they are in a relationship. I'll never have to worry about being lonely in old age, because I've become adept at entertaining myself. It'll suck when I don't have kids to take care of me, and I could save a lot of money if I could share expenses with someone, but them's the breaks. The biggest downside is the awkward explaining to relatives about basically being a "confirmed bachelor" but not gay, and the fear that if it ever got out to work colleagues it would destroy any authority I had in my career. So next time you see a weird looking guy in the corner at a party, sipping on a whiskey and talking now and then to a few friends and raising a glass to their happy relationships but mostly just chilling alone, give a nod and be thankful for what you have.