... I don't even know what you would call this.
Posted Oct 20, 2013 by Kitty | 453 views | 8 comments
For over 2 years I had a constant habit of meeting men online, talking to them, and sexting/having video sex with them. I had a loving boyfriend at the time but it seemed whenever I had a free second in my day I was on the hunt for a older man that I could fulfill his fantasies and listen to his ever command. It was strange because a lot of the time I did not enjoy the things I did on my behave, but I loved it because it made other people feel good. Plus I liked seeing men fall over me. At the time I diagnosed with Major depression, An anxiety disorder, EDNOS (an eating disorder), and borderline personality disorder. I was also a cutter of 3 years and was getting into drugs. In the middle of all this sex and mental illness situation I over dosed on anti-depressants and sleeping pills and then sliced my art from my wrist to the top of my shoulder. The pills made me hallucinate, and I ended up throwing them up, realizing i didn't want to rot away in my bed, thinking maybe there might be something better?? I then was forced to the hospital when someone saw the blood from my arm. I was in inpatient care for over 3 weeks. And then was in an out-patient program for a month and a half. While I was in the hospital I gave my phone and laptop to my mother so that it wouldn't get stolen in the hospital. She looked through it and found out everything that I had done, She also found out that I had been raped when I was 6 (He is in prison now). My mother and I talked about what had been going on with the men and I was mortified. She told all of my close family; My dad, my grandparents, and her boyfriend and friends. I decided that I had no choice but to stop doing what I had been doing, I thought maybe I was hoping she would find out so I could stop. After stopping all of this, getting new medication, not cutting, and finding a steady therapist I decided to go to college (where I am currently). I feel I have a better sense of life and myself now, but the last new weeks I have had the urge to be with someone again. And it is confusing because I know sex is not "bad" but what I was doing was "bad" but I feel if I did it again, with even one person it would be considered bad because everyone would think I am going down the rabbit hole again. Does anyone have any suggestions?? I am just really confused.
Commented Oct 21, 2013 by CyberToothTiger
Your very welcome :) older men/ women who can't hold their urges and take advantage of a person whether younger or older has major mental issues you could like older men cause your dad wasn't their for you, I knew some girl who was over sex cause her dad used to take her in mens restrooms when she was like 6,7,8 years old. males would be standing around peeing in urinals , it messes their minds up ..I got certain fears like i'm afraid to ejaculate for fear i won't stop ..Sometimes when it burns, i get upset for fear i'm going to ejaculate blood but it feels real good ..I get scared to finger a girls vagina for fear i would hurt her well i do believe people who have been raped/sexually abused such as you /myself have a tendency to want love /date/sex with someone much older than their self /or much younger than their self ..Yes this i see is very common to happen this does not happen in all cases but with me ,Why am i 45 years old and would date a girl whose age 18 ? Just like in your case ,you like men much older than yourself maybe your looking for the same thing, ..I'm in mental health treatment with counseling and i take group therapy ,deep down no young girl wants to settle down and marry me and have a baby to me..I'm not going to lie about myself , I'm still a virgin i've had 2 ex-gf's but i'm not having actual sex with just any girl whose not going to committ to me,for Gods sakes the last thing is for me is to have sex with a girl than she says bye and that's the last time i see her , I would never hurt a girl and just use her for sex and say bye but i do believe the chemicals in the brain got something to do with child abuse.
Commented Oct 21, 2013 by Kitty
Thank you for saying all of this. Some of it I didn't really understand but what I did makes sense. Not to act like you're a doctor or something but do you maybe think that I go after older men because my father has ignored me my whole life as well as physically and emotionally abused me, or because I was raped by a man 40 years older than me? I would suppose either could be the core of my issues. Just to say I am not trying to put any blame on either of these men, they were and are doing the best they can.
Commented Oct 21, 2013 by CyberToothTiger
I'm sorry these people make rude remarks, yes i think the Internet is full of people who can't find love etc ., I got low self esteem thats why i'm here ,just like all these people who hide behind anonymous and tell you to go get f*cked them are people who will likely end up in jail , I been bully victim,sexual abuse so it's hard , yes if i had a girl right now laying in my arms the Internet would be history, It's hard to find true love but i think you did lot stuff for attention and lack of love. Yes, it matches me completely i'm attention seeker and looking for real love, My parents never showed me real love i had 2 ex-gf's they never showed me true love
Commented Oct 21, 2013 by anonymous
I still think you need to get fucked.
Commented Oct 21, 2013 by CyberToothTiger
Your using sex as a replacement for real love even if it's true there are so many teenage girls online talking to older men if your having sex just think what happens if you come back HIV postivie as a older man age 45, you see this every day online these cases like yours i think no matter how many boyfriends you have no one is going to fill the love your searching for maybe your seeking attention and men talk to you and you like the attention they give you but out of all the men who talked to including male relatives and your boyfriend just think it over your still searching for more men online but yet you have not found the real love that your searching for i would say about 99 % chance of girls like you are still a virgin the reason i'm answering this is cause i got personality disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety , depression i see lot of your symptoms in teen females i've talked online i'm not going to lie about it but all conversations were just friendly but what are we searchig for ,will we ever find true love, can we really love , what is the real reason we seek arttention, how many more guys that have truly loved you but you went after the guy who just wanted sex talk from you ,where will the end come for us all?
Commented Oct 21, 2013 by anonymous
*intensive care not inpatient
Commented Oct 20, 2013 by anonymous
have some sex then, dont get over involved and dont go down the rabbit holee
Commented Oct 20, 2013 by anonymous
whats your aim